Thursday, December 10, 2015
When my grandfather died 2 years ago, my grandmother found herself alone for the first time in 75 years. She discovered that she did not like being alone, she couldn't bear it in fact. My parents and sister and I flew out to Wyoming for the funeral and my mom asked my grandmother to come back to Oregon and live with them. I was actually against the idea because I thought it would be very hard on my grandmother to leave all her friends and family and move far away. But she said yes and they packed up a few of her belongings and brought her home to Oregon.
My grandmother loved her life in Oregon. There is a big picture window off the dining room where my parents have a couple of bird feeders. My grandmother delighted in watching the birds and there is a couple of big fat squirrels that steal the bird food and she loved to watch them too. She loved how green everything in Oregon was and all the flowers. She always appreciated the little joys in life. She used to say, "It's a good life if you don't weaken!" I loved it when she said that and she said it often. She may have been the strongest person I've ever met. She loved God and loved life and was the kindest, sweetest person.
My grandmother was 97. She was blessed in that she wasn't sick, and she could still bathe herself and feed her self and get around on her own, although she did have a walker. She was a tiny woman, not quite 4 feet, (I suspect there was some dwarfism in our past since my great-grandmother was shorter that her.) She was always impeccably dressed with jewelry on and she had two wigs. One for daily wear and one for special occasions.
She was a hard worker and believed in "earning her keep." So my mother found things for her to do. She would do the dishes and empty the dishwasher. She loved to fold the clothes and no-one could fold a towel as perfectly as my grandma. Once I had brought our clothes over to wash while I visited and as I was folding them my grandma stood next to me with her walker and gave me a dirty look (extremely unusual!). Then I realized why and said, "Grandma! These are my clothes, I'm not horning in on your laundry duties" She laughed, and so did I. I teased her later about arm wrestling her for the dinner dishes. She folded the paper napkins for the dinner table and mom used to have her chop walnuts. One time I asked her if they are actually eating those walnuts or was mom just making busy work for her. She laughed and said that no, they eat the walnuts in their oatmeal.
My husband and I moved in with my parents after his sister committed suicide. We are only planning on staying through the winter because we have some work that needs to be done on the RV. So the five of us would have dinner together and it was nice. She had a pillow that she sat on at her place and it was a joy to be able to visit with her. I started doing the dinner dishes because we use a lot of pots and pans, but she still took care of the dishes from breakfast and lunch.
A couple of weeks ago, my mom came down to our bedroom to wake us up and tell us that the paramedics were there. Grandma had fallen out of bed and the EMT said they thought her heart was shutting down. They had to use a bag to carry my grandma down all the stairs to the stretcher in the driveway and take her to the hospital. She died that night.
My mother has taken it pretty hard and I'm glad that we were there so that the vacuum left by grandma's absence was not as severe as it might have been. She was a beautiful woman, inside and out. We had a nice funeral for her and then her body was shipped back to Wyoming where she will be laid to rest next to her husband. We will miss you grandma. I want to be like you when I grow up.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
My sister in law, my husbands only sibling, killed herself a couple of weeks ago. They were very close. I wrote a three page blog post about it, talking about the background that led up to it, my interpretation of the situation, and the mess that was left in the wake of it. It was very therapeutic for me to write it, but I have decided not to post it. It doesn't really matter what happened before or my interpretation of it. None of that really explains anything anyway.
They say that there are 5 stages of grief/loss/death. With suicide, denial and bargaining are automatically off the table. There is no denying it - it's done and it's permanent. Bargaining - no amount of bargaining will change anything or bring her back. Which leaves anger. Oh yeah, I've been very angry the last couple weeks. This situation devastated my husband. We had to move because the idea of her never coming over for dinner again was more than my husband could take. I was angry with her before this happened as I watched the downward spiral train-wreck that was her life play out before my eyes and there was nothing I could say or do to change anything. I was even more angry with her after the fact because she knew my husband would be the one to find her and that was not a deterrent. I was angry about several other things that I'm not going to go into here. When I wasn't angry, I felt nothing. Not one thing. Not sympathy, not empathy, not any of the feelings you would normally think you should feel. I actually thought at one point that maybe my conscious was seared with a hot iron, that I was physically incapable of feeling anything about her. Anger or nothing - that is what I felt.
Yesterday was the first time I felt sad. Really, really sad. I was sad for my husband, I was sad for her and I was sad for myself and I've cried about it several times since. The next stage on the list is depression. Depression is such a stupid word I don't know why they use it on the list because it really is not accurate. Depression is a blanket medical term that could be any number of things. The true words should be sadness and regret. Depression, whatever, I mean I'm not depressed. I'm sad and I have feelings of guilt and regret, why isn't it okay to just call it what it really is? Grief. Mourning, loss, devastation, anything but depression. I guess there is no point in getting hung up on semantics - yet that word really does bug me. But I believe that you cannot get to the final stage until you first have a really really good cry. Or possibly more than one.
The final stage is acceptance. I'm not quite sure if I am there yet. We have plans for sometime next week to go to her grave for the first time and put some nice plastic flowers there. That is what my husband wants and I will support him in what he needs for his 5 stages of grief. Acceptance or no, we both agree, that what she did is NOT okay. It's not okay and it will never BE okay. But that doesn't stop us from still loving her and missing her, and going on with our lives.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
photo source Here
You need to watch the following video. It starts out slow and you may be tempted to think you are not interested in what this guy is saying - but believe me - watch the whole thing, before reading the rest of this blog post.
Do you remember it being Berenstein? I know I do. Next watch this video to see exactly when reality was altered:
You will have to do more research on the Berenstein/Berenstain phenomenon yourself (sorry I don't have time to go back through my research and find links) - and there is a lot of information on this subject - and you can look into the Mandela effect and there are lots of theories on what has happened. Apparently, there are those people who on hearing this went into their attics and found their Berenstein bears books - but they all had Berenstain on them.
Yesterday on one of the blogs talking about this phenomenon I found this picture:
But his morning on simpsonswiki I found this picture:
I'm not tech savvy enough to verify if either of these pictures has been doctored. I just have to go on face value.
Some of the theories are:
We all just misremember how the name was spelled.
Time travel is possible and someone went back in time and changed it.
There are multiple parallel universes (and I do love this idea so much) and somehow a bunch of us from Universe E (the BerenstEin universe) ended up here in Universe A (BerenstAin).
But I have my own theory. Satan now has the ability to alter reality in a way that was not possible before. It is not just the berenstein bear either. I remember that it was "Sex IN the city" and now it's "Sex AND the city". It was "Interview with A vampire" and now it's "Interview with THE vampire". So WHY would Satan bother with these little insignificant changes to reality? They are beta tests in preparation for the BIG deception that he will pull on the WHOLE WORLD. When he does do the big deception - you will be unable to prove that it was ever different because reality will have been changed. As in "we are at war with Eastasia and we have ALWAYS been at war with Eastasia". I think I know HOW Satan is doing it.
When I first heard about this (YESTERDAY!) and started looking into the theories surrounding it - theories based on the false physics of the world that has already been a deception for centuries - I had to look at the underlying spiritual possibilities. It reminded me of an episode of Buffy the Vampire slayer I had watched. It was Buffy the Vampire - Season 5 - "There's no place like home". The video of that episode is below. The important parts of the show start with the opening sequence with the monks. Then if you do not want to watch the whole video you can fast forward to the 17:45 mark and watch through around the 26:00 mark (or more the ending of the episode clarifies some things about what was going on).
In the episode, reality had already been altered. Buffy went into a trance to be able to see what had been altered. Unfortunately for us - we don't have that option to be able to see what has been done to alter our reality. We have to rely on God unveiling the works of darkness for us. Because this stuff is just the beginning. The deceptions and altering of our reality will continue to get worse and worse. Now is the time to press into the Father and pray for discernment - because the Big Deception that is coming our way will be so huge and so very real that if it were possible, would deceive the very elect. Keep your eyes and ears open, but understand that your memories may actually tell you more of the truth than your senses will.
Take care out there my friends.